The Kaiser sent his mighty host,
    With Bombast in advance,
To set his seal on Paris first,
    And make an end of France.
Their guns were heard in Paris streets,
    And trembling Europe heard;
(They’re staggering back in Belgium now)
    And England said no word.

“Now tell me what can England do?”
    Said the Kaiser to the Spy.
“She can do nought in Southern seas
    Where her possessions lie!
Her colonies are arming now—
    They only wait your aid!”
“I’ll send my ships,” the Kaiser said,
    “And I will kill her trade!”

The Kaiser sent his cruisers forth
    To do their worst or best;
And one made trouble in the North—
    The Cocos tell the rest.
He sent a squadron to a coast
    Where treachery prevailed—
Gra’mercy! They were stricken hard
    On seas that Raleigh sailed!

“Now tell me what can England do?”
    Said the Kaiser to the Spy.
“Her ports are all unfortified
    And there your chances lie!”
He sent his ships to Scarborough,
    And called them back again.
The Blucher lies in Channel ooze
    With seven hundred men.

“Oh, tell me what can England do?”
    Said the Kaiser to the Spy.
“She can’t hold Egypt for a day—
    (I have it from On High.”)
And so the Kaiser paid the Turk
    To put the matter through—
And England’s Queen of Egypt now,
    And boss of Turkey too.

“Now tell me what shall England do?”
    Said the Kaiser to the Spy.
You see that neither of them knew
    Much more than you or I.
But the blooming thing that’s troubling me
    As the pregnant weeks go by,
Is wotinell shall England do
    When the Kaiser hangs that Spy!