The Innocents Abroad


The New Pilgrim’s Progress;


Mark Twain

Contents 1


Chapter I.

Popular Talk of the Excursion—Programme of the Trip—Duly Ticketed for the Excursion—Defection of the Celebrities

Chapter II.

Grand Preparations—An Imposing Dignitary—The European Exodus—Mr. Blucher’s Opinion—Stateroom No. 10—The Assembling of the Clans —At Sea at Last

Chapter III.

“Averaging” the Passengers—Far, far at Sea.—Tribulation among the Patriarchs—Seeking Amusement under Difficulties—Five Captains in the Ship

Chapter IV.

The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated—Pilgrim Life at Sea—“Horse-Billiards”—The “Synagogue”—The Writing School—Jack’s “Journal” —The “Q. C. Club”—The Magic Lantern—State Ball on Deck—Mock Trials—Charades—Pilgrim Solemnity—Slow Music—The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion

Chapter V.

Summer in Mid-Atlantic—An Eccentric Moon—Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence —The Mystery of “Ship Time”—The Denizens of the Deep—“Land Hoh”—The First Landing on a Foreign Shore—Sensation among the Natives—Something about the Azores Islands—Blucher’s Disastrous Dinner—The Happy Result

Chapter VI.

Solid Information—A Fossil Community—Curious Ways and Customs—Jesuit Humbuggery—Fantastic Pilgrimizing—Origin of the Russ Pavement—Squaring Accounts with the Fossils—At Sea Again

Chapter VII.

A Tempest at Night—Spain and Africa on Exhibition—Greeting a Majestic Stranger—The Pillars of Hercules—The Rock of Gibraltar—Tiresome Repetition—“The Queen’s Chair”—Serenity Conquered—Curiosities of the Secret Caverns—Personnel of Gibraltar—Some Odd Characters—A Private Frolic in Africa—Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of life)—Vanity Rebuked—Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco

Chapter VIII.

The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco—Strange Sights—A Cradle of Antiquity—We become Wealthy—How they Rob the Mail in Africa—The Danger of being Opulent in Morocco

Chapter IX.

A Pilgrim—in Deadly Peril—How they Mended the Clock—Moorish Punishments for Crime—Marriage Customs—Looking Several ways for Sunday—Shrewd, Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims—Reverence for Cats—Bliss of being a Consul-General

Chapter X.

Fourth of July at Sea—Mediterranean Sunset—The “Oracle” is Delivered of an Opinion—Celebration Ceremonies—The Captain’s Speech—France in Sight—The Ignorant Native—In Marseilles—Another Blunder—Lost in the Great City—Found Again—A Frenchy Scene

Chapter XI.

Getting used to it—No Soap—Bill of Fare, Table d’hote—“An American Sir”—A Curious Discovery—The “Pilgrim” Bird—Strange Companionship—A Grave of the Living—A Long Captivity—Some of Dumas’ Heroes—Dungeon of the Famous “Iron Mask.”

Chapter XII.

A Holiday Flight through France—Summer Garb of the Landscape—Abroad on the Great Plains—Peculiarities of French Cars—French Politeness—American Railway Officials—“Twenty Mnutes to Dinner!”—Why there are no Accidents—The “Old Travellers”—Still on the Wing—Paris at Last—French Order and Quiet—Place of the Bastile—Seeing the Sights—A Barbarous Atrocity—Absurd Billiards

Chapter XIII.

More Trouble—Monsieur Billfinger—Re-Christening the Frenchman—In the Clutches of a Paris Guide—The International Exposition—Fine Military Review—Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey

Chapter XIV.

The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame—Jean Sanspeur’s Addition—Treasures and Sacred Relics—The Legend of the Cross—The Morgue—The Outrageious ‘Can-Can’—Blondin Aflame—The Louvre Palace—The Great Park—Showy Pageantry—Preservation of Noted Things

Chapter XV.

French National Burying—Ground—Among the Great Dead—The Shrine of Disappointed Love—The Story of Abelard and Heloise—“English Spoken Here”—“American Drinks Compounded Here”—Imperial Honors to an American—The Over-estimated Grisette—Departure from Paris—A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women

Chapter XVI.

Versailles—Paradise Regained—A Wonderful Park—Paradise Lost—Napoleonic Strategy

Chapter XVII.

War—The American Forces Victorious—“Home Again”—Italy in Sight The “City of Palaces”—Beauty of the Genoese Women—The “Stub-Hunters”—Among the Palaces—Gifted Guide—Church Magnificence—“Women not Admitted”—How the Genoese Live—Massive Architecture—A Scrap of Ancient History—Graves for 60,000

Chapter XVIII.

Flying Through Italy—Marengo—First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral—Description of some of its Wonders—A Horror Carved in Stone—An Unpleasant Adventure—A Good Man—A Sermon from the Tomb—Tons of Gold and Silver—Some More Holy Relics—Solomon’s Temple

Chapter XIX.

”Do You Wiz zo Haut can be?”—La Scala—Petrarch and Laura—Lucrezia Borgia—Ingenious Frescoes—Ancient Roman Amphitheatre—A Clever Delusion—Distressing Billiards—The Chief Charm of European Life—An Italian Bath—Wanted: Soap—Crippled French—Mutilated English—The Most —Anecdote—A Wonderful Echo—A Kiss for a Franc

Chapter XX.

Rural Italy by Rail—Fumigated, According to Law—The Sorrowing Englishman—Night by the Lake of Como—The Famous Lake—Its Scenery—Como compared with Tahoe—Meeting a Shipmate

Chapter XXI.

The Pretty Lago di Lecco—A Carriage Drive in the Country—Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman—Sleepy Land—Bloody Shrines—The Heart and Home of Priestcraft—A Thrilling Mediaeval Romance—The Birthplace of Harlequin—Approaching Venice

Chapter XXII.

Night in Venice—The “Gay Gondolier”—The Grand Fete by Moonlight—The Notable Sights of Venice—The Mother of the Republics Desolate

Chapter XXIII.

The Famous Gondola—The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect—The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion—Snobs, at Home and Abroad—Sepulchres of the Great Dead—A Tilt at the “Old Masters”—A Contraband Guide—The Conspiracy—Moving Again

Chapter XXIV.

Down Through Italy by Rail—Idling in Florence—Dante and Galileo—An Ungrateful City—Dazzling Generosity—Wonderful Mosaics—The Historical Arno—Lost Again—Found Again, but no Fatted Calf Ready—The Leaning Tower of Pisa—The Ancient Duomo—The Old Original First Pendulum that Ever Swung—An Enchanting Echo—A New Holy Sepulchre—A Relic of Antiquity—A Fallen Republic—At Leghorn—At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship—Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion—Garibaldi Visited—Threats of Quarantine

Chapter XXV.

The Works of Bankruptcy—Railway Grandeur—How to Fill an Empty Treasury—The Sumptuousness of Mother Church—Ecclesiastical Splendor—Magnificence and Misery—General Execration—More Magnificence A Good Word for the Priests—Civita Vecchia the Dismal—Off for Rome

Chapter XXVI.

The Modern Roman on His Travels—The Grandeur of St. Peter’s—Holy Relics—Grand View from the Dome—The Holy Inquisition—Interesting Old Monkish Frauds—The Ruined Coliseum—The Coliseum in the Days of its Prime—Ancient Playbill of a Coliseum Performance—A Roman Newspaper Criticism 1700 Years Old

Chapter XXVII.

”Butchered to Make a Roman Holiday”—The Man who Never Complained—An Exasperating Subject—Asinine Guides—The Roman Catacombs—The Saint Whose Fervor Burst his Ribs—The Miracle of the Bleeding Heart—The Legend of Ara Coeli

Chapter XXVIII.

Picturesque Horrors—The Legend of Brother Thomas—Sorrow Scientifically Analyzed—A Festive Company of the Dead—The Great Vatican Museum Artist Sins of Omission—The Rape of the Sabines—Papal Protection of Art—High Price of “Old Masters”—Improved Scripture—Scale of Rank of the Holy Personages in Rome—Scale of Honors Accorded Them—Fossilizing—Away for Naples

Chapter XXIX.

Naples—In Quarantine at Last—Annunciation—Ascent of Mount Vesuvius—A Two Cent Community—The Black Side of Neapolitan Character—Monkish Miracles—Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued—The Stranger and the Hackman—Night View of Naples from the Mountain-side—Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued

Chapter XXX.

Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued—Beautiful View at Dawn—Less Beautiful in the Back Streets—Ascent of Vesuvius Continued—Dwellings a Hundred Feet High—A Motley Procession—Bill of Fare for a Peddler’s Breakfast—Princely Salaries—Ascent of Vesuvius Continued—An Average of Prices—The wonderful “Blue Grotto”—Visit to Celebrated Localities in the Bay of Naples—The Poisoned “Grotto of the Dog”—A Petrified Sea of Lava—Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued—The Summit Reached—Description of the Crater—Descent of Vesuvius

Chapter XXXI.

The Buried City of Pompeii—How Dwellings Appear that have been Unoccupied for Eighteen hundred years—The Judgment Seat—Desolation—The Footprints of the Departed—“No Women Admitted”—Theatres, Bakeshops, Schools—Skeletons preserved by the Ashes and Cinders—The Brave Martyr to Duty—Rip Van Winkle—The Perishable Nature of Fame

Chapter XXXII.

At Sea Once More—The Pilgrims all Well—Superb Stromboli—Sicily by Moonlight—Scylla and Charybdis—The “Oracle” at Fault—Skirting the Isles of Greece Ancient Athens—Blockaded by Quarantine and Refused Permission to Enter—Running the Blockade—A Bloodless Midnight Adventure—Turning Robbers from Necessity—Attempt to Carry the Acropolis by Storm—We Fail—Among the Glories of the Past—A World of Ruined Sculpture—A Fairy Vision—Famous Localities—Retreating in Good Order—Captured by the Guards—Travelling in Military State—Safe on Board Again

Chapter XXXIII.

Modern Greece—Fallen Greatness—Sailing Through the Archipelago and the Dardanelles—Footprints of History—The First Shoddy Contractor of whom History gives any Account—Anchored Before Constantinople—Fantastic Fashions—The Ingenious Goose-Rancher—Marvelous Cripples—The Great Mosque—The Thousand and One Columns—The Grand Bazaar of Stamboul

Chapter XXXIV.

Scarcity of Morals and Whiskey—Slave-Girl Market Report—Commercial Morality at a Discount—The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople—Questionable Delights of Newspaperdom in Turkey—Ingenious Italian Journalism—No More Turkish Lunches Desired—The Turkish Bath Fraud—The Narghileh Fraud—Jackplaned by a Native—The Turkish Coffee Fraud

Chapter XXXV.

Sailing Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea—“Far-Away Moses”—Melancholy Sebastopol—Hospitably Received in Russia—Pleasant English People—Desperate Fighting—Relic Hunting—How Travellers Form “Cabinets”

Chapter XXXVI.

Nine Thousand Miles East—Imitation American Town in Russia—Gratitude that Came Too Late—To Visit the Autocrat of All the Russias

Chapter XXXVII.

Summer Home of Royalty—Practising for the Dread Ordeal—Committee on Imperial Address—Reception by the Emperor and Family—Dresses of the Imperial Party—Concentrated Power—Counting the Spoons—At the Grand Duke’s—A Charming Villa—A Knightly Figure—The Grand Duchess—A Grand Ducal Breakfast—Baker’s Boy, the Famine-Breeder—Theatrical Monarchs a Fraud—Saved as by Fire—The Governor—General’s Visit to the Ship—Official “Style”—Aristocratic Visitors—“Munchausenizing” with Them—Closing Ceremonies

Chapter XXXVIII.

Return to Constantinople—We Sail for Asia—The Sailors Burlesque the Imperial Visitors—Ancient Smyrna—The “Oriental Splendor” Fraud—The “Biblical Crown of Life”—Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans—Sociable Armenian Girls—A Sweet Reminiscence—“The Camels are Coming, Ha-ha!”

Chapter XXXIX.

Smyrna’s Lions—The Martyr Polycarp—The “Seven Churches”—Remains of the Six Smyrnas—Mysterious Oyster Mine Oysters—Seeking Scenery—A Millerite Tradition—A Railroad Out of its Sphere

Chapter XL.

Journeying Toward Ancient Ephesus—Ancient Ayassalook—The Villanous Donkey—A Fantastic Procession—Bygone Magnificence—Fragments of History—The Legend of the Seven Sleepers

Chapter XLI.

Vandalism Prohibited—Angry Pilgrims—Approaching Holy Land!—The “Shrill Note of Preparation”—Distress About Dragomans and Transportation—The “Long Route” Adopted—In Syria—Something about Beirout—A Choice Specimen of a Greek “Ferguson”—Outfits—Hideous Horseflesh—Pilgrim “Style”—What of Aladdin’s Lamp?

Chapter XLII.

“Jacksonville,” in the Mountains of Lebanon—Breakfasting above a Grand Panorama—The Vanished City—The Peculiar Steed, “Jericho”—The Pilgrims Progress—Bible Scenes—Mount Hermon, Joshua’s Battle Fields, etc.—The Tomb of Noah—A Most Unfortunate People

Chapter XLIII.

Patriarchal Customs—Magnificent Baalbec—Description of the Ruins—Scribbling Smiths and Joneses—Pilgrim Fidelity to the Letter of the Law—The Revered Fountain of Baalam’s Ass

Chapter XLIV.

Extracts from Note-Book—Mahomet’s Paradise and the Bible’s—Beautiful Damascus the Oldest City on Earth—Oriental Scenes within the Curious Old City—Damascus Street Car—The Story of St. Paul—The “Street called Straight”—Mahomet’s Tomb and St. George’s—The Christian Massacre—Mohammedan Dread of Pollution—The House of Naaman—The Horrors of Leprosy

Chapter XLV.

The Cholera by way of Variety—Hot—Another Outlandish Procession—Pen and-Ink Photograph of “Jonesborough,” Syria—Tomb of Nimrod, the Mighty Hunter—The Stateliest Ruin of All—Stepping over the Borders of Holy-Land—Bathing in the Sources of Jordan—More “Specimen” Hunting—Ruins of Cesarea-Philippi—“On This Rock Will I Build my Church”—The People the Disciples Knew—The Noble Steed “Baalbec”—Sentimental Horse Idolatry of the Arabs

Chapter XLVI.

Dan—Bashan—Genessaret—A Notable Panorama—Smallness of Palestine—Scraps of History—Character of the Country—Bedouin Shepherds—Glimpses of the Hoary Past—Mr. Grimes’s Bedouins—A Battle—Ground of Joshua—That Soldier’s Manner of Fighting—Barak’s Battle—The Necessity of Unlearning Some Things—Desolation

Chapter XLVII.

“Jack’s Adventure”—Joseph’s Pit—The Story of Joseph—Joseph’s Magnanimity and Esau’s—The Sacred Lake of Genessaret—Enthusiasm of the Pilgrims—Why We did not Sail on Galilee—About Capernaum—Concerning the Saviour’s Brothers and Sisters—Journeying toward Magdela

Chapter XLVIII.

Curious Specimens of Art and Architecture—Public Reception of the Pilgrims—Mary Magdalen’s House—Tiberias and its Queer Inhabitants—The Sacred Sea of Galilee—Galilee by Night

Chapter XLIX.

The Ancient Baths—Ye Apparition—A Distinguished Panorama—The Last Battle of the Crusades—The Story of the Lord of Kerak—Mount Tabor—What one Sees from its Top—Memory of a Wonderful Garden—The House of Deborah the Prophetess

Chapter L.

Toward Nazareth—Bitten by a Camel—Grotto of the Annunciation, Nazareth—Noted Grottoes in General—Joseph’s Workshop—A Sacred Bowlder—The Fountain of the Virgin—Questionable Female Beauty—Literary Curiosities

Chapter LI.

Boyhood of the Saviour—Unseemly Antics of Sober Pilgrims—Home of the Witch of Endor—Nain—Profanation—A Popular Oriental Picture—Biblical Metaphors Becoming steadily More Intelligible—The Shuuem Miracle—The “Free Son of The Desert”—Ancient Jezrael—Jehu’s Achievements—Samaria and its Famous Siege

Chapter LII.

Curious Remnant of the Past—Shechem—The Oldest “First Family” on Earth—The Oldest Manuscript Extant—The Genuine Tomb of Joseph—Jacob’s Well—Shiloh—Camping with the Arabs—Jacob’s Ladder—More Desolation—Ramah, Beroth, the Tomb of Samuel, The Fountain of Beira—Impatience—Approaching Jerusalem—The Holy City in Sight—Noting Its Prominent Features—Domiciled Within the Sacred Walls

Chapter LIII.

“The Joy of the Whole Earth”—Description of Jerusalem—Church of the Holy Sepulchre—The Stone of Unction—The Grave of Jesus—Graves of Nicodemus and Joseph of Armattea—Places of the Apparition—The Finding of the Three Crosses——The Legend—Monkish Impostures—The Pillar of Flagellation—The Place of a Relic—Godfrey’s Sword—“The Bonds of Christ”—“The Center of the Earth”—Place whence the Dust was taken of which Adam was Made—Grave of Adam—The Martyred Soldier—The Copper Plate that was on the Cross—The Good St. Helena—Place of the Division of the Garments—St. Dimas, the Penitent Thief—The Late Emperor Maximilian’s Contribution—Grotto wherein the Crosses were Found, and the Nails, and the Crown of Thorns—Chapel of the Mocking—Tomb of Melchizedek—Graves of Two Renowned Crusaders—The Place of the Crucifixion

Chapter LIV.

The “Sorrowful Way”—The Legend of St. Veronica’s Handkerchief—An Illustrious Stone—House of the Wandering Jew—The Tradition of the Wanderer—Solomon’s Temple—Mosque of Omar—Moslem Traditions—“Women not Admitted”—The Fate of a Gossip—Turkish Sacred Relics—Judgment Seat of David and Saul—Genuine Precious Remains of Solomon’s Temple—Surfeited with Sights—The Pool of Siloam—The Garden of Gethsemane and Other Sacred Localities

Chapter LV.

Rebellion in the Camp—Charms of Nomadic Life—Dismal Rumors—En Route for Jericho and The Dead Sea—Pilgrim Strategy—Bethany and the Dwelling of Lazarus—“Bedouins!”—Ancient Jericho—Misery—The Night March—The Dead Sea—An Idea of What a “Wilderness” in Palestine is—The Holy hermits of Mars Saba—Good St. Saba—Women not Admitted—Buried from the World for all Time—Unselfish Catholic Benevolence—Gazelles—The Plain of the Shepherds—Birthplace of the Saviour, Bethlehem—Church of the Nativity—Its Hundred Holy Places—The Famous “Milk” Grotto—Tradition—Return to Jerusalem—Exhausted

Chapter LVI.

Departure from Jerusalem—Samson—The Plain of Sharon—Arrival at Joppa—Horse of Simon the Tanner—The Long Pilgrimage Ended—Character of Palestine Scenery—The Curse

Chapter LVII.

The Happiness of being at Sea once more—“Home” as it is in a Pleasure Ship—“Shaking Hands” with the Vessel—Jack in Costume—His Father’s Parting Advice—Approaching Egypt—Ashore in Alexandria—A Deserved Compliment for the Donkeys—Invasion of the Lost Tribes of America—End of the Celebrated “Jaffa Colony”—Scenes in Grand Cairo—Shepheard’s Hotel Contrasted with a Certain American Hotel—Preparing for the Pyramids

Chapter LVIII.

“Recherche” Donkeys—A Wild Ride—Specimens of Egyptian Modesty—Moses in the Bulrushes—Place where the Holy Family Sojourned—Distant view of the Pyramids—A Nearer View—The Ascent—Superb View from the top of the Pyramid—“Backsheesh! Backsheesh!”—An Arab Exploit—In the Bowels of the Pyramid—Strategy—Reminiscence of “Holiday’s Hill”—Boyish Exploit—The Majestic Sphynx—Things the Author will not Tell—Grand Old Egypt

Chapter LIX.

Going Home—A Demoralized Note-Book—A Boy’s Diary—Mere Mention of Old Spain&

Chapter LX.

Departure from Cadiz—A Deserved Rebuke—The Beautiful Madeiras—Tabooed—In the Delightful Bermudas—An English Welcome—Good-by to “Our Friends the Bermudians”—Packing Trunks for Home—Our First Accident—The Long Cruise Drawing to a Close—At Home—Amen

Chapter LXI.

Thankless Devotion—A Newspaper Valedictory


1.    This table of contents is different to the one in the original text, the change was made to correct an error in that it did not show Chapter LXI    [back]

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